Tag Archives: toxic people

narcissism, Narcissist, psychology, Toxic

Things You Never Do for a Narcissist

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Narcissism is one of the most damaging personality traits a person can encounter, both in personal relationships and in spiritual life. Psychology defines narcissism as an inflated sense of self-importance and a deep need for admiration, often accompanied by a lack of empathy (APA, 2013). The Bible, however, warns of the same spirit long before psychology named it: “For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud…” (2 Timothy 3:2, KJV). This essay will explore what narcissism is, the types identified by psychology, biblical parallels, and why boundaries are essential when dealing with narcissistic individuals.

What is Narcissism?

Narcissism originates from the Greek myth of Narcissus, who became so obsessed with his reflection that he wasted away by the water’s edge. Psychologically, this reflects an excessive preoccupation with the self. Spiritually, it represents pride, vanity, and rebellion against humility. The Bible speaks clearly: “God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble” (James 4:6, KJV).

Modern psychology considers narcissism to exist on a spectrum, from healthy self-esteem to pathological narcissism. While a measure of self-confidence is necessary for functioning, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is destructive, leaving behind broken relationships, emotional abuse, and cycles of manipulation (Campbell & Miller, 2011).

Types of Narcissism

  1. Grandiose (Overt) Narcissism
    • Traits: arrogance, entitlement, exploitation of others, constant demand for admiration.
    • Biblical example: King Nebuchadnezzar, who exalted himself until God humbled him (Daniel 4:30-33).
    • Scripture: “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18, KJV).
  2. Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissism
    • Traits: insecurity, hypersensitivity, passive-aggression, resentment when unrecognized.
    • Biblical example: King Saul, whose insecurity about David’s success drove him to jealousy and rage (1 Samuel 18:8-9).
    • Scripture: “Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before envy?” (Proverbs 27:4, KJV).
  3. Malignant Narcissism
    • Traits: a combination of narcissism, antisocial behavior, aggression, and paranoia; often destructive without remorse.
    • Biblical example: Herod the Great, who killed even his own family to maintain power (Matthew 2:16).
    • Scripture: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, KJV).
  4. Communal Narcissism
    • Traits: portraying oneself as moral, spiritual, or selfless for admiration, while lacking genuine humility.
    • Biblical example: The Pharisees, who performed good deeds publicly to be praised rather than to serve God (Matthew 23:5).
    • Scripture: “Woe unto you… for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones” (Matthew 23:27, KJV).

Things You Never Do for a Narcissist

Dealing with narcissists requires wisdom, boundaries, and discernment. Both psychology and scripture caution against enabling their behavior.

  • Never sacrifice your identity for their approval.
    • Narcissists often erode self-worth. Yet the Bible reminds us: “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14, KJV).
  • Never excuse or enable their sin.
    • Justifying manipulation keeps the cycle alive. Proverbs 17:15 says: “He that justifieth the wicked, and he that condemneth the just, even they both are abomination to the Lord.”
  • Never place them above God.
    • Idolatry of people is dangerous, especially when they demand devotion. Exodus 20:3 declares: “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”
  • Never expect reciprocity.
    • Narcissists give conditionally, always expecting return. Jesus, however, taught sacrificial love: “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35, KJV).
  • Never remain in bondage to their control.
    • Psychology calls this “narcissistic abuse syndrome,” where victims internalize blame and fear. The Bible affirms liberty: “Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free” (Galatians 5:1, KJV).

Psychology and Scripture in Agreement

While psychology explains narcissism as a personality disorder rooted in insecurity and developmental wounds, the Bible diagnoses it as pride and rebellion against God. Both perspectives converge on the same truth: unchecked narcissism destroys relationships, exploits the vulnerable, and leads to personal downfall.

Top 10 Things You Never Do for a Narcissist

1. Never Sacrifice Your Identity to Please Them

  • Narcissists will try to reshape you into what benefits them.
  • Scripture: “Be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2, KJV).
  • Psychology Insight: Maintaining your authentic self is key to resisting narcissistic control.

2. Never Excuse or Justify Their Sinful Behavior

  • They will rationalize manipulation, lying, or arrogance. Don’t become their enabler.
  • Scripture: “He that justifieth the wicked… even they both are abomination to the Lord” (Proverbs 17:15, KJV).
  • Psychology Insight: Excusing abuse creates a cycle of reinforcement and deepens narcissistic traits.

3. Never Expect Empathy or Reciprocity

  • Narcissists struggle to give genuine compassion.
  • Scripture: “The merciful man doeth good to his own soul: but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh” (Proverbs 11:17, KJV).
  • Psychology Insight: Expecting reciprocity sets you up for disappointment and further emotional harm.

4. Never Place Them Above God

  • Their need for worship can turn into idolatry.
  • Scripture: “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:3, KJV).
  • Psychology Insight: Elevating someone unhealthy above your faith and values creates spiritual and emotional bondage.

5. Never Believe Their False Narratives About You

  • Narcissists project their flaws onto others through gaslighting.
  • Scripture: “Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32, KJV).
  • Psychology Insight: Recognize projection for what it is—self-defense mechanisms, not truth.

6. Never Stay Silent About Abuse

  • Silence only empowers control.
  • Scripture: “Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction” (Proverbs 31:8, KJV).
  • Psychology Insight: Speaking up and seeking support are vital steps in breaking free from narcissistic abuse.

7. Never Rely on Them for Validation

  • They withhold affirmation to control your self-worth.
  • Scripture: “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14, KJV).
  • Psychology Insight: Build self-esteem through healthy relationships and inner healing, not their approval.

8. Never Think You Can Change Them

  • Many hope love or patience will transform a narcissist.
  • Scripture: “Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil” (Jeremiah 13:23, KJV).
  • Psychology Insight: True change requires deep self-awareness and therapy—something narcissists rarely pursue.

9. Never Stay in Constant Conflict

  • Narcissists thrive on drama and control through chaos.
  • Scripture: “It is an honour for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling” (Proverbs 20:3, KJV).
  • Psychology Insight: Refusing to engage in endless arguments protects your peace and mental health.

10. Never Forget to Guard Your Soul and Boundaries

  • Boundaries are not selfish; they are protective.
  • Scripture: “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23, KJV).
  • Psychology Insight: Boundaries prevent exploitation and create space for healing and freedom.

✅ Summary: Both psychology and the Bible agree—narcissists thrive on control, manipulation, and pride. Your job is to safeguard your identity, maintain boundaries, and place God above all human relationships.

Conclusion

To deal with narcissists wisely, one must neither enable nor idolize them. Instead, the believer is called to humility, discernment, and boundary-setting. Psychology provides strategies for self-protection, while the Bible provides the spiritual foundation to resist manipulation. Ultimately, healing comes through recognizing one’s identity in Christ and refusing to be enslaved by the destructive patterns of narcissistic people.

References

  • American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.
  • Campbell, W. K., & Miller, J. D. (2011). The handbook of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder: Theoretical approaches, empirical findings, and treatments. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.
  • Holy Bible, King James Version.

Friends, Toxic, trauma

📰 The Anatomy of Toxic People: Understanding and Escaping Destructive Relationships.

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“Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.” – Matthew 7:15 (KJV)

Toxic people are not merely difficult; they are destructive to emotional, psychological, and even spiritual well-being. The term “toxic” describes individuals who drain energy, manipulate emotions, or create unhealthy environments. Unlike temporary conflicts that can be resolved, toxic behaviors are persistent patterns that erode trust, joy, and self-worth. Psychology defines such individuals as those with maladaptive traits—often rooted in narcissism, manipulation, or chronic negativity—that impair healthy relationship functioning (Lubit, 2002).

⚡ The Energy Drainer

This person consumes your time and energy without replenishing it. Every interaction leaves you feeling depleted, anxious, or discouraged. Often, they project their unresolved issues onto others, creating emotional exhaustion. Psychologists call this “emotional vampirism” (Bernstein & Rozen, 1991), where constant negativity or dependency overwhelms healthy boundaries.

🎭 The Fake Complimentor

Also known as the two-faced flatterer, this person showers you with insincere praise but harbors jealousy or resentment underneath. Their compliments are strategic, often masking hidden competition or manipulation. Proverbs 26:24–25 warns: “He that hateth dissembleth with his lips… When he speaketh fair, believe him not: for there are seven abominations in his heart.” Psychologically, this behavior stems from insecurity, as flattery is used to control perceptions rather than to uplift.

🌑 The Pessimist

Pessimistic friends see problems instead of possibilities. While realism is healthy, chronic pessimism spreads like a contagion, reinforcing anxiety and hopelessness. Research in social psychology shows that negative moods are “socially contagious,” influencing group morale and individual stress levels (Joiner, 1994). Pessimists drain optimism and create environments where growth feels impossible.

🪓 The Criticizer

Constructive criticism can be valuable, but toxic critics weaponize judgment. They point out flaws not to help but to belittle. Their pattern aligns with the psychological concept of “hostile attribution bias,” where they interpret others’ actions negatively and project disdain (Dodge, 2006). Such individuals diminish confidence, making relationships unsafe spaces for vulnerability.

🎮 The Manipulator

Manipulators exploit emotions for personal gain, using guilt, deceit, or charm to control others. This behavior overlaps with Machiavellianism—a personality trait defined by manipulation and self-interest (Christie & Geis, 1970). The Bible cautions against such people in Proverbs 12:20: “Deceit is in the heart of them that imagine evil.” The manipulator thrives where boundaries are weak, preying on generosity and trust.

😔 The Victim

Toxic victims perpetually see themselves as powerless, refusing accountability. They thrive on sympathy, often exaggerating problems while dismissing solutions. Psychology identifies this as “learned helplessness” (Seligman, 1975), where repeated failures lead to passivity and dependency. While empathy is natural, constant victimhood becomes manipulative when it demands endless emotional labor without change.

🧊 The Sociopath

Sociopaths, clinically defined as individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder, lack empathy and exploit others without remorse. Their charm often masks a predatory nature. They manipulate, deceive, and, at times, destroy with no sense of guilt. Psychology stresses that sociopaths operate with shallow emotions, making them particularly dangerous in friendships or intimate relationships (Hare, 1999).

🪞 The Narcissist

Narcissists are consumed with self-importance, admiration, and control. Their relationships are transactional, based on what they can extract rather than mutual care. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by arrogance, lack of empathy, and entitlement (APA, 2013). Spiritually, such individuals embody the warning of 2 Timothy 3:2: “For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud.”

🔎 Other Toxic Types

  • The Gossip/Backbiter – Destroys reputations for entertainment.
  • The Jealous Friend – Resents your blessings rather than celebrating them.
  • The Argumentative One – Finds fault and opposition in every discussion.
  • The Hypocrite – Words and actions never align.
  • The Control Freak – Dominates rather than collaborates.

List of Toxic People Traits

  1. Chronic lying
  2. Manipulation and control
  3. Gossip and betrayal
  4. Chronic pessimism
  5. Hypocrisy (words and actions misaligned)
  6. Emotional draining
  7. Envy and jealousy
  8. Victim mentality
  9. Aggressiveness or hostility
  10. Lack of empathy (sociopathy, narcissism)
  11. Constant criticism
  12. Passive sabotage
  13. Argumentative nature
  14. Opportunism (using people for gain)
  15. Two-faced flattery

What causes a person to become toxic:

1. Unresolved Trauma and Pain

Many toxic behaviors stem from past trauma—abuse, neglect, betrayal, or rejection. A child who grows up in a household filled with criticism, manipulation, or violence may adopt those same patterns later in life. Psychology calls this “intergenerational transmission of trauma” (Yehuda & Lehrner, 2018), where pain becomes recycled through behavior. Instead of healing, some people project their wounds onto others, becoming critical, controlling, or manipulative.

2. Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem

At the root of envy, jealousy, and manipulation is often insecurity. People who do not feel good about themselves may tear others down to feel superior. Toxicity becomes a mask to hide feelings of inadequacy. Biblically, Proverbs 14:30 warns: “A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones.” When people cannot celebrate others, they often become bitter, resentful, and harmful.

3. Learned Behavior and Environment

Children absorb behaviors from parents, peers, and culture. If dishonesty, gossip, or manipulation were normalized in their environment, they may adopt these habits as “normal.” Bandura’s Social Learning Theory (1977) shows that people imitate what they observe, especially if those behaviors seem to produce results (e.g., power, attention, or material gain).

4. Personality Disorders or Mental Health Issues

In some cases, chronic toxicity is linked to psychological disorders. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder can all manifest in manipulative, critical, or exploitative behaviors (APA, 2013). These conditions make empathy difficult, leading to self-centered or harmful actions toward others.

5. Sin, Pride, and Moral Corruption

From a biblical perspective, toxicity can also be understood as a result of sin, pride, and rebellion against God’s principles. When love, humility, and forgiveness are absent, self-interest dominates. 2 Timothy 3:2–4 describes the “perilous times” of human behavior: “For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud… without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good.” Toxicity, in this sense, is spiritual decay.

6. Cultural Reinforcement of Selfishness

Modern culture often glorifies self-interest, materialism, and competition. “Cutthroat” environments—whether in workplaces, media, or relationships—reward manipulative or deceptive behaviors. Over time, these values normalize toxicity as a strategy for success. Psychology calls this “instrumental aggression,” where harmful behavior is used to achieve goals (Bushman & Anderson, 2001).

🔎 Signs Someone Has Become Toxic

  • They thrive on conflict, drama, or gossip.
  • They rarely accept responsibility.
  • They manipulate or guilt others.
  • They consistently drain energy rather than uplift.
  • They envy or sabotage instead of celebrating others.
  • Their actions and words rarely align.

🌱 How to Break the Cycle

  • Self-Awareness: Recognizing toxic tendencies is the first step.
  • Therapy/Healing: Trauma-informed counseling can help unlearn destructive habits.
  • Spiritual Renewal: Repentance, prayer, and accountability transform hearts.
  • Boundaries: If someone refuses to change, distance protects your peace.

🚨 Signs of a Toxic Person

  • Consistently drains your energy or mood.
  • Rarely takes responsibility for their actions.
  • Uses manipulation, guilt, or flattery to control.
  • Thrives on conflict, drama, or gossip.
  • Leaves you feeling worse after interactions.
  • Betrays confidences or breaks promises.
  • Shows envy instead of support for your success.

🛑 How to Break Free from Toxic People

The first step is recognition—naming toxic behaviors for what they are. Next is boundaries, which may include limiting time, refusing to engage in unhealthy patterns, or, in severe cases, cutting ties completely. Psychology emphasizes assertiveness as a skill to protect mental health (Alberti & Emmons, 2017). Spiritually, discernment is essential: Sirach 6:13 reminds us, “Separate thyself from thine enemies, and take heed of thy friends.” Breaking free requires courage, but freedom from toxicity opens space for healthy, life-giving relationships.

References

  • Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (2017). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships (10th ed.). San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact.
  • American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC.
  • Bernstein, A., & Rozen, L. (1991). Emotional vampires: Dealing with people who drain you dry. McGraw-Hill.
  • Christie, R., & Geis, F. (1970). Studies in Machiavellianism. Academic Press.
  • Dodge, K. A. (2006). Translational science in action: Hostile attributional style and the development of aggressive behavior. Development and Psychopathology, 18(3), 791–814.
  • Hare, R. D. (1999). Without conscience: The disturbing world of the psychopaths among us. Guilford.
  • Joiner, T. (1994). Contagious depression: Existence, specificity, and the role of reassurance seeking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67(2), 287–296.
  • Lubit, R. (2002). The long-term organizational impact of destructively narcissistic managers. Academy of Management Executive, 16(1), 127–138.
  • Seligman, M. E. P. (1975). Helplessness: On depression, development, and death. Freeman.

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC.

  • Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Prentice-Hall.
  • Bushman, B. J., & Anderson, C. A. (2001). Is it time to pull the plug on the hostile versus instrumental aggression dichotomy? Psychological Review, 108(1), 273–279.
  • Yehuda, R., & Lehrner, A. (2018). Intergenerational transmission of trauma effects: Putative role of epigenetic mechanisms. World Psychiatry, 17(3), 243–257.

the brown girl dilemma, www.thebrowngirldilemma.com

Dilemma: Self-Hatred

 

Rachel Dolezal, a former president of the Spokane, Washington, chapter of the NAACP, became a national figure of controversy when it was revealed in 2015 that she was a white woman who had been presenting herself as Black for years. Despite having been born to white parents of European descent, Dolezal had altered her appearance, including tanning her skin, curling her hair, and adopting African American vernacular and culture. Her case raises profound questions about racial identity, cultural appropriation, and societal double standards.

Ironically, while Black women are frequently criticized or pathologized for assimilating into Eurocentric beauty norms—whether through hair straightening, skin lightening, or other means—Dolezal, a white woman, was initially celebrated within a Black community organization for her performance of Black identity. Her work with the NAACP and advocacy on behalf of civil rights may have been well-intentioned, but the deception surrounding her racial identity challenges the principles of authenticity and transparency essential to public leadership.

Psychologically, her case touches on what scholars term “racial identity appropriation,” wherein individuals adopt the cultural markers and struggles of a group to which they do not belong, often as a means of securing identity, belonging, or moral authority. This phenomenon is distinct from transracial adoption or cultural exchange; it often stems from deeper issues related to identity confusion, desire for empathy or attention, or the allure of perceived moral high ground.

The public backlash against Dolezal revealed not only the societal discomfort with ambiguous racial boundaries but also exposed how white individuals are often extended forgiveness or curiosity when crossing cultural lines. In contrast, Black individuals, particularly women, are rarely afforded the same grace. Her actions highlight the privileges of whiteness, even in spaces ostensibly dedicated to racial justice.

 
Rachel Dolezal (left to right) These photographs are the property of their respective owners.
 

💔 Why Do Some Black People Hate Themselves or Each Other?

This phenomenon isn’t due to a moral failing, but rather the psychological residue of slavery, colonialism, and white supremacy. It is what scholars call internalized racism—when oppressed people begin to absorb the lies told about them by the dominant society.

1. Slavery and the Destruction of Identity

Slavery was not only about physical bondage—it was about erasing the identity of a people. Africans were stripped of their languages, names, families, religions, and cultural pride. They were forcibly renamed, reclassified, and psychologically reprogrammed to believe they were inferior.

“If you can convince the lowest white man he’s better than the best colored man, he won’t notice you’re picking his pocket.” — Lyndon B. Johnson

During slavery, enslaved Africans were:

  • Divided by complexion: lighter-skinned slaves (often the result of rape) were given house duties, while darker-skinned slaves labored in the fields. This bred resentment and laid the foundation for colorism—a hierarchy within the race based on skin tone.

  • Pitted against each other: as outlined in the infamous (and possibly apocryphal) Willie Lynch Letter, enslavers used fear, distrust, and division to keep enslaved people from uniting.

2. Post-Slavery: The Birth of Colorism and Eurocentric Standards

Even after emancipation, the proximity to whiteness became the measure of beauty, intelligence, and worth. Black features—like broad noses, kinky hair, or dark skin—were mocked, while lighter skin and long straight hair were celebrated.

This legacy persists today:

  • Colorism: Lighter-skinned Black people often receive more favorable treatment in media, hiring, dating, and society.

  • Hair Discrimination: Natural hairstyles like afros, locs, and braids are still viewed as “unprofessional” in many institutions.

  • Self-Rejection: Some Black people bleach their skin, avoid the sun, or use harmful chemicals to straighten their hair—not out of vanity, but as a survival mechanism in a world that devalues their natural state.

3. Internalized Racism and “Self-Hate”

Black people—like all people—are shaped by the media, education, and culture. When all of those systems portray whiteness as good and Blackness as bad, a subconscious belief can form: “There must be something wrong with me.”

This shows up in:

  • Jealousy or suspicion of each other’s success (“crabs in a barrel”).

  • Mocking natural Black features.

  • Dividing ourselves by skin tone, hair texture, dialect, or region.

🌱 What Does Being a Hater Really Mean?

A hater is someone who resents another person’s success, beauty, confidence, or uniqueness. In our community, this often stems from:

  • Low self-esteem.

  • Unhealed trauma.

  • Feeling powerless in a system built against us.

As Malcolm X said:

“Who taught you to hate the texture of your hair? Who taught you to hate the color of your skin…?”

💡 Why Is Light Skin and Long Hair Still Seen as More Desirable?

It’s rooted in colonialism and media conditioning:

  • For centuries, the lighter you were, the more human you were considered.

  • Beauty standards were crafted by European ideals—pale skin, straight hair, and thin features were exalted, while Black features were demonized.

  • Even today, movies, magazines, dating apps, and TV often showcase light-skinned Black people as the default representation of beauty.

✊🏾 So What’s the Solution?

1. Reclaim Our History and Identity

Learn the truth about African civilizations, the African diaspora, and the richness of Black culture. When you understand your roots, you stop seeing yourself as inferior.

2. Practice Self-Love and Cultural Pride

Celebrate your skin, your hair, your body, your ancestry. Uplift those around you. Affirm your children. Support Black businesses. Wear your culture proudly.

3. Challenge Internalized Racism

Call out colorism when you see it. Unlearn negative beliefs. Don’t measure yourself by Eurocentric standards. Demand representation in media, leadership, and institutions.

4. Mental Health Matters

Therapy, especially with culturally competent Black therapists, can help unpack trauma, self-esteem issues, and patterns of self-hate.

5. Faith and Community Healing

In texts like Baruch 4:6 and Deuteronomy 28, many believe that Black people’s suffering is tied to disobedience to divine commandments, but also that restoration is possible. Healing is not just psychological, but also spiritual. Return to the Most High God!

🔥 A Final Quote to Reflect:

“We’ve been conditioned to hate ourselves and love their wealth… That’s why Black sell crack and we act like we’re not smart.” — Kanye West, “All Falls Down”

📚 References 

 

  • Akbar, N. (1996). Breaking the Chains of Psychological Slavery. Mind Productions.

  • hooks, b. (1992). Black Looks: Race and Representation. South End Press.

  • Fanon, F. (1967). Black Skin, White Masks. Grove Press.

  • Russell-Cole, K., Wilson, M., & Hall, R. E. (2013). The Color Complex: The Politics of Skin Color in a New Millennium. Anchor Books.

  • American Psychological Association. (2019). Ethnic and Racial Disparities in Mental Health Care.

Brubaker, R. (2016). Trans: Gender and Race in an Age of Unsettled Identities. Princeton University Press.
This work explores how Rachel Dolezal’s case illustrates the complexities and controversies of identity in contemporary society, including comparisons between transgender and “transracial” identities.