Category Archives: gas lighting

gas lighting, love bombing, narcissism, narcissism, Narcissist, psychology

Dilemma: Narcissism

Recognizing, Surviving, and Healing from Toxic Relationships

Photo by Markus Winkler on Pexels.com

What Is Narcissism?

Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. In more extreme cases, it may be classified as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)—a diagnosable mental health condition described in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).

There are different types of narcissism, including:

  • Grandiose Narcissism: Arrogant, dominant, and attention-seeking. These individuals often believe they are superior.
  • Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissism: Appears shy or sensitive but is still deeply self-absorbed and manipulative in subtle ways.
  • Malignant Narcissism: Includes features of antisocial behavior, manipulation, aggression, and sometimes sadism.

Living with a Narcissistic Relative: The Deep Hurt

Having a narcissistic parent, sibling, or other close relative can cause long-term emotional trauma. You may have experienced:

  • Constant invalidation of your feelings
  • Being blamed for things that weren’t your fault
  • Walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their rage or withdrawal
  • Confusion and self-doubt from years of manipulation and gaslighting
  • A lack of emotional support, especially during times of need

Narcissistic relatives often see others—especially family—not as individuals but as extensions of themselves, meant to serve their emotional needs, status, or control.

Key Tactics Narcissists Use

✅ Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where the narcissist denies reality to make you question your memory, perception, or sanity.

Example: “That never happened, you’re just too sensitive.”

✅ Deflection & Blame-Shifting

When confronted, narcissists rarely take accountability. They’ll blame others, bring up unrelated issues, or play the victim.

✅ Shame & Guilt

Narcissists use shame to keep control. You might feel guilty for setting boundaries or expressing your needs.

✅ Flying Monkeys

“Flying monkeys” are people (often family or friends) manipulated by the narcissist to do their bidding. They may pressure you to reconcile, doubt your truth, or deliver the narcissist’s messages.

✅ Love-Bombing and Devaluation

At first, narcissists may idealize you—praise, charm, and love-bomb. But when you no longer serve their ego, you are devalued—criticized, ignored, or discarded.

Warning Signs of Narcissism

  • Excessive need for admiration
  • Sense of entitlement
  • Lack of empathy
  • Superiority complex
  • Envious of others, or belief others envy them
  • Manipulative or controlling behavior
  • Gaslighting or distorting facts
  • Poor boundaries and disregard for your autonomy
  • Plays victim while being the aggressor

Initial signs in new relationships may include:

  • Intense flattery early on (“You’re the only one who gets me.”)
  • Quick attempts to become emotionally or physically close
  • Disregard for your boundaries under the guise of love or urgency
  • Subtle digs masked as “jokes”

Do Narcissistic Relationships Last?

Typically, no—at least not in a healthy way. Narcissistic relationships often follow a cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard. Even if they “last,” they are usually draining, unstable, and emotionally abusive.

A narcissist struggles with true emotional intimacy, accountability, or compromise—essentials of any lasting relationship.

Breaking Free from a Narcissist

  1. Acknowledge the truth – Stop minimizing or excusing their behavior. Abuse doesn’t need to be physical to be real.
  2. Set and enforce boundaries – Be firm, even if they retaliate or play victim.
  3. Limit or cut contact – Especially if the relationship is consistently abusive. “No contact” may be necessary for healing.
  4. Don’t engage in power struggles – Narcissists thrive on conflict. Starve the cycle.
  5. Seek therapy or support – Validation and guidance are vital to unlearning the shame they instilled.
  6. Educate yourself – Knowledge is power. Understanding narcissism helps you detach emotionally.
  7. Find your voice again – Reconnect with your needs, dreams, and identity outside the narcissist’s control.

Biblical Perspective: A Warning Against Narcissism

The Bible addresses pride and self-exaltation multiple times.

Romans 12:3 (KJV):
“For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.”

This verse directly speaks to the narcissistic mindset—exalting oneself over others. Scripture emphasizes humility, empathy, and servant leadership—values narcissists often reject.

Also, in 2 Timothy 3:2-5 (KJV):

“For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud… Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.”

This passage warns of people with traits closely resembling narcissists and instructs us to distance ourselves from them.

The Path to Healing

Healing from narcissistic abuse is not instant—it is a process of grieving, rebuilding, and rediscovering your worth. You may need to rewire your beliefs around love, trust, and identity. But know this:

  • You are not crazy.
  • You are not too sensitive.
  • You were manipulated, not loved.
  • You deserve peace.

Further Resources & References

  • American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5)
  • Dr. Ramani Durvasula – Clinical psychologist and expert on narcissistic abuse
  • Brown, N. (2008). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
  • Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and Recovery
  • KJV Bible: Romans 12:3, 2 Timothy 3:2-5

Would you like this article formatted as a handout, self-help guide, or for a support group resource? I can adapt it however you need.

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references

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Here are the full references used or cited in the article on narcissism, including clinical sources, books, scripture, and expert commentary:

📘 Psychological and Clinical Sources

  1. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.; DSM-5). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing.
    • Source for the clinical definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
  2. Dion, K. K., Berscheid, E., & Walster, E. (1972). What is beautiful is good.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 24(3), 285–290.
    • Cited for the “halo effect,” which contributes to the perception of attractive or charming narcissists.
  3. Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.
    • A foundational text on the trauma survivors face, including those in abusive relationships.
  4. Brown, N. (2008). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
    • A practical guide for adult children of narcissists to heal and set boundaries.
  5. Durvasula, R. (2019). Don’t You Know Who I Am?: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.
    • Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a prominent clinical psychologist and narcissism expert.

📖 Biblical Scripture (King James Version)

  1. Romans 12:3 (KJV):
    “For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think…”
  2. 2 Timothy 3:2-5 (KJV):
    “For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud… Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.”
    • Both verses are frequently cited in Christian counseling on pride, self-exaltation, and toxic relationships.

🧠 Additional Educational/Popular Resources

  1. Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists. HarperWave.
    • Explores the narcissism spectrum and how to recognize harmful patterns early.
  2. Karyl McBride, Ph.D. (2008). Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Atria Books.
    • A well-known resource for understanding narcissistic family dynamics and mother-daughter trauma.
  3. Websites & Articles:

Beauty, Biblical Precepts, black history, colorism, gas lighting, Good Hair, www.thebrowngirldilemma.com

Dilemma: Colorism

Title: The Roots and Reality of Colorism: Beauty Standards and the Black Community

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Introduction

Colorism — the prejudicial or preferential treatment of individuals based on the lightness or darkness of their skin — is a deeply rooted issue within the Black community and American society at large. Unlike racism, which operates between races, colorism functions within them, favoring lighter-skinned individuals while marginalizing those with darker complexions. This systemic bias has been perpetuated through media, beauty standards, and cultural practices dating back to slavery and colonialism. The lingering impact affects identity, self-worth, relationships, and social mobility.

A Historical Foundation: Slavery and Post-Emancipation Color Hierarchies

The origins of colorism within the Black community can be traced to slavery in the Americas. Enslaved Africans were categorized based on skin tone. Lighter-skinned Black people—often the offspring of white slave owners and Black women—were sometimes given preferential treatment. Many were allowed to work indoors as house slaves, while darker-skinned individuals were relegated to harsher labor in the fields (Hunter, 2007).

After emancipation, colorism continued to shape social stratification. The “paper bag test” and “blue vein societies” were social clubs that only accepted Black individuals with lighter complexions, illustrating internalized standards of proximity to whiteness (Russell, Wilson, & Hall, 1992).

“Good Hair”: Textures, Tensions, and Eurocentric Norms

“Good hair” is a term that emerged in the Black community to describe hair that is straight, wavy, or loosely curled—textured more like European hair. It implied that natural Black hair, especially tightly coiled or “kinky” textures, was inferior or unkempt (Byrd & Tharps, 2001).

This notion has led to generations of Black women chemically straightening their hair or wearing weaves and wigs to conform to mainstream beauty ideals. While these choices can be empowering when made freely, they have historically been rooted in survival, assimilation, or professional advancement.

Beauty Stereotypes and the Black Male Gaze

Black men have not been immune to the influence of Eurocentric beauty standards. Due to internalized racism and media influence, many have historically preferred women who align with mainstream ideals—lighter skin, softer features, and straighter hair.

This preference is evident in music videos, movies, and celebrity culture, where the women often cast as “ideal” are those who fit this mold. Sociologist Patricia Hill Collins (2000) calls this the “controlling image” that reinforces narrow definitions of beauty.

Icons of Acceptability: Halle Berry, Jayne Kennedy, and the Politics of Representation

Halle Berry and Jayne Kennedy are often celebrated as trailblazing Black beauties in mainstream entertainment. However, their widespread acceptance is tied to their lighter skin tones, Eurocentric features, and “good hair.” Their success raises questions: Were they embraced for their talent, or because their looks were less threatening to white beauty norms?

Their rise parallels a pattern in which Black women who more closely resemble white women are more likely to be praised, while darker-skinned actresses with Afrocentric features struggle for visibility or are typecast (Craig, 2002).

Modern Manifestations: Social Media, Dating Apps, and Internalized Bias

Colorism remains prevalent in the digital age. Studies show that lighter-skinned individuals are more likely to be perceived as attractive on dating apps (Monk, 2014). In rap lyrics, phrases like “redbone” or “yellow bone” celebrate light skin, reinforcing outdated hierarchies.

Young Black girls often internalize these messages, leading to lower self-esteem and body image issues. The documentary “Dark Girls” (2011) highlights the pain and psychological trauma many Black women experience due to colorism.

Breaking the Cycle: What Is the Answer?

Addressing colorism requires both personal and systemic efforts:

  1. Education & Awareness: Teaching the history of colorism and its effects through schools, media, and community organizations can help change perceptions.
  2. Representation: Amplifying the beauty of darker-skinned Black individuals with natural hair and diverse features in media, fashion, and advertising helps normalize all expressions of Black beauty.
  3. Challenging Preferences: Black men and women must reflect on how their dating and beauty preferences may be shaped by internalized racism.
  4. Legislation & Policy: Laws like the CROWN Act, which bans discrimination against natural hairstyles, are a step toward dismantling systemic bias in schools and workplaces.
  5. Cultural Healing: Embracing African ancestry, traditions, and aesthetics can help foster a more inclusive understanding of beauty and identity.

Conclusion

Colorism is not just about skin tone—it’s about power, privilege, and proximity to whiteness. Its influence pervades the way Black people view themselves and each other. From the plantation fields to Instagram feeds, the legacy of colorism continues to shape the Black experience. But through conscious effort, self-love, and collective activism, the community can redefine beauty on its own terms.

References

  • Byrd, A., & Tharps, L. (2001). Hair Story: Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America. St. Martin’s Press.
  • Collins, P. H. (2000). Black Feminist Thought: Knowledge, Consciousness, and the Politics of Empowerment. Routledge.
  • Craig, M. L. (2002). Ain’t I a Beauty Queen? Black Women, Beauty, and the Politics of Race. Oxford University Press.
  • Hunter, M. (2007). “The Persistent Problem of Colorism: Skin Tone, Status, and Inequality.” Sociology Compass, 1(1), 237-254.
  • Monk, E. P. Jr. (2014). “Skin Tone Stratification among Black Americans, 2001–2003.” Social Forces, 92(4), 1313–1337.
  • Russell, K., Wilson, M., & Hall, R. (1992). The Color Complex: The Politics of Skin Color Among African Americans. Anchor Books.
  • Dark Girls (2011). Directed by D. Thomas and B. Duke. OWN Network.
  • The CROWN Act: https://www.thecrownact.com